The other day my partner said, “Thank you. You’re the best.” I thought: Yeah, I’m the best for a lot of people these days. My kids, work, you. When do I get to be my best?
And then I remembered: people are people through other people. Meaning comes from between us, not within us. Connection makes us whole. Right! what could be more fulfilling than being The Best for the people around me? This is my best, right here, right now.
And I really am The Best. The best mom to my kids (because I’m their mom), the best at my job (because it’s my team, we have trust, and I know the work intimately), the best partner (we understand each other and know how to help).
“Best” is situational.
To work smoothly and effectively in any system, you need connection to the other people, familiarity with the place, and entwinement with the work. Those people know you, the place is shaped partly by you, and the work is refined to suit you, as well. In established teams and families, we’re adapted to each other.
But what if someone else is more skilled? What if other moms have more energy? What if his other partner is hotter and younger?
It doesn’t matter. Those people are not embedded, here, now. When a teammate leaves, the new person takes months to integrate, and the team is a different team. No other mom knows the difference between “it’s okay” (polite) and “it’s okay” (the food is good thank you) when my child says it. His other partner doesn’t fit his life the way I do, and she wasn’t with him for the last three major life transitions.
What if you don’t want to be a situational Best? What if you want to be The Best in the Whole World?
“Best in the World” is only defined for tasks out of context, simplified and limited until they’re comparable across days and participants and places. Yes, someone lifts a bar of this standard shape to a specified height, with maximum weight. We (our culture) have built some meaning around that, in its way. It isn’t connection. Winning won’t make you whole.
Lifting that bar is not directly useful. The sterilized context of the gym makes sure of that. Lifting your friend’s wardrobe onto the moving truck, now that’s useful. And there’s exactly one (ok hopefully two) of you doing it. Because it’s useful in the situation, you are now The Best.
There are some ways I want to be The Best for the world. Like, writing on this blog–once in a while, it’s helpful to someone, and they tell me, and that feels good. For me it’s important to do some things that feed serendipity for people I can’t see. Those little puffs of accomplishment are like candy. Taking my kids to school is breakfast, and rubbing my partner’s feet is dinner. These services nourish me.
Now, “The Best” and “my best” didn’t always coincide. In relationships that were too slanted, with family members whose morals differed, at companies that didn’t want healthier systems. Working to please them felt like squashing myself. Then, I had to change my situation.
Right now I’m super fortunate to have work and relationships that feed me, with coworkers and partners who are great to me as well. They even congratulate me on the work I’m proud of, when it isn’t for them. I’m satisfied with being The Best right where I am. I feel fulfilled. It’s really the best!!